xscream

adriana
you're fucking disgusting.

wow.. i don't even remember the last time i updated on livejournal. definitely a very long time ago.

i guess you could say i've been stressed lately, what with prom and graduation. making up the money for two prom tickets when you don't have a job isn't the easiest thing in the world. but i'm managing, so it's okay.

my grades are better than they have been for the past two years, so i'm pretty proud of myself. especially because i'm graduating! after all that, dropping out and not even knowing if i was going to pass the eleventh grade. holy shit, man. just. holy shit.

i've been feeling pretty emotional lately, just with the thought of leaving, going on to college [ holy shit i got in ], saying goodbye to all my younger friends, the girls in choir especially. i don't know what i'm going to do at the assembly on the seventeenth, or the concert that night, let alone graduation.

:/ it's like this day would never come. i thought high school would last forever. but senior year went by so quickly and now that it's almost over.. i kind of never want it to end.

which isn't true, i'm fucking ecstatic that we're free in less than a month, but.. maybe you know what i mean, whoever you may be.

like i never thought i would find myself thinking back on the previous four years and smile and kind of want to cry. i always thought i would be hard and not look back and miss anything from the past years. but i do. i really do.

:/ i miss the security of another three years, two years, year left of high school. and i miss being younger and more stupid laughing at absolutely nothing in the cafeteria or in the courtyards or the smokers' circle rather than being just young and stupid and laughing at nothing in my car or joy's car or someone else's car.

i miss the control i used to have over my future, and now it's done. we're heading out into the big world and i have no idea what to expect. well. i have a small idea. but very small. miniscule, even. i know that i want to travel, i know where i want to be and who i want to be with but it clashes with the plan i had before i met jaron.

and it was a damn good plan. a stable plan. something that could motivate me. work over the summer, if possible. go to metro. finish out the four years there and get my teacher's license. get a job at any school i can, high school even.

and then just let it go from there.

but now i want to travel.
i don't even know what started me over again on the traveling thing, i just know that i want to go everywhere this summer, and see everything and everyone and experience life on my own or with a couple of friends, whatever. before i have another four years being held back by obligations.. i want to be a little free.

( hello )

somebody dig a cavity into my chest, pull out my heart and place it in a wooden chest with an impossible lock and key.

1. What type of birth control (Condoms, pills, pulled out) did you use, if any?
none.

2. Were there any problems with your protection (condom breaking, missing pills)?
other than the fact that we weren't using any, no.

3. If you didn't use any birth control, are you trying to get pregnant?
no.

4. How many days are between the first day of one period and the first day of your next?
31.

5. Any big changes which could change your cycle (major change in diet, exercise, new medication, new stress?)
not really.

6. What was the month/day your last period started?
31 jan.

7. What date(s) did you have sex?
2 or 3 feb.

8. Where was ejaculation(in vagina, in condom, pulled-out)?
vagina.

9. Is there anything else that makes you think you're pregnant?
fatigue, mood swings, cramping, nausea [ i threw up this morning at school ], i've been eating non-stop, period never came, breasts are tender and getting bigger, i keep getting this pain from my bellybutton to my crotch, it doesn't feel like cramps but it definitely hurts.. but i don't know what it is. the big thing is the nausea though, because nausea is unusual for me, and throwing up is definitely different.

o__o so an update in my life. a quick one.

i'm going back to eaglecrest on wednesday. no more ditching. otherwise i get kicked out.

AND.

o_______o barbizon called my house.
i have an audition on sunday at two.
i am nervous like fucking crazy.

.. holy shit.

adriana. you are so FUCKING stupid.
it's time to have a talk with mother.

last time i updated livejournal was a long ass time ago. i pretty much suck. but here we go.

x. new man. his name is chris. funny enough, he's evan's cousin. turning eighteen on the sixth and whatnot.

uh. what else. a little jaded these days. don't really give a shit about my family. besides my brother.

my mother called me a whore and i'm beginning to believe her.

.. i'll give a better update later.
hope everyone had a lovely christmas.

♥

if i could be happy all the time i would do it. but that's impossible. and i can't lie. so when people ask me how i am, i hardly answer them. because i hardly feel.

that's not true.

i feel a whole fucking lot.
but i like to pretend that i don't have my own emotions. i wish people would accept that more often. adriana is the girl you don't have to worry about. she takes care of herself and it's okay.

:/ even though it's not okay.

i want my own cigarettes.. everyone else smokes shit.
that's not true. what everyone else smokes isn't bad.
it's sad that i have a personal preference now.

maybe i'm dying.

i have to tell you how my week was. right now. starting from last weekend.

saturday, erin and i went cruising with ryan. around eight thirty, nine? we ended up getting travis also. i was on a lot of caffeine. we went up to regis [i hate regis with a passion right now] and jumped the fence. hung out on the football field for a while. erin's parents called giving her twenty minutes to get home. so we were speeding around town, dropped off ryan and travis, then she dropped me off and i waited for her to be okay. i took a lot of robitussin. not really. but more than i should have on an empty stomach. i didn't go to sleep until four. or something.

sunday i woke up shaking. my parents took us to church. i wasn't paying attention at all but when the music started up, they were playing flutes and .. i reacted to it. parents went to sleep afterward and i just hung out around the house i think.. i can't exactly remember what i was doing.

monday i had more robitussin and caffeine. so i was in a really good mood all day and had energy for choir. but then it wore off. so when i got home.. i was bored. i was bored all that day because of classes.

tuesday i took the last of my robitussin but without sufficient amounts of caffeine like i usually do. it didn't do anything until third period. travis asked me if i'm smoking crack. i couldn't stop shaking. so erin brought me n kendall out for lunch and that was fun. but then we had to go back to class. that was boring.

wednesday i don't remember. all i remember is that i got home and my mom bitched at me for not having anything done in american gov. and she made me feel like shit.

thursday i didn't go to class at all. i called my dad in the morning and told him i was moving out. he threatened to call the police and i told him i didn't care. so i hung out with aubrey for two periods and then lunch i just hung out with whoever was there. i ended up pouring water over my head. fourth period i hung out with emmy and bailey and patrik and dan i guess his name is, so it was a little better. i went back to the school and gave autumn back her jacket, tried to talk to travis but it didn't work. found jessi. talked to my dad again. went to jessi's house. jessi's mom brought me to my house for clothes and my parents ended up yelling at me all over again. my mom said that she thinks that i hate being me because of the way i am and i wanted to slit her throat. dad went to get monica from her car and i locked myself in the bathroom. i didn't do anything. i didn't have that kind of time. but i wanted to. they made me let monica in so we sat and i told her how i've been feeling for the past four years. then we came out and she made me tell my parents. my dad asked if i was suicidal and i couldn't stop crying. so they took me to the emergency department at st. joe's. i was there for five hours and for the most part we listened to this woman in the room next to us who was screaming and hitting walls. it was boring. we didn't get home until midnight and i didn't go to sleep until one because i was talking to aubrey and typing up in my deadjournal.

friday - i didn't go to school. i wanted to but my parents kept me home. we stopped by the school to pick up my calculator and excuse thursday so i could turn in my chemistry stuff. went to king soopers for arizona tea [i drank all of it the same day]. i did my homework for gov and then we had to go to kaiser. so we did and i got evaluated or whatever. in october i'm seeing a therapist and in november i'm seeing a psychiatrist. after that was over i went to the chiropracter. my neck is straight when it's not supposed to be. and my spine right above my pelvis curves to the right when it's supposed to be straight, from the front. my spine from the side doesn't have enough curve. we came home. dad went to sleep. mom and lenny and i went to carrabbas where i started to cheer up because this really cute waiter i like over there always treats us really well [and checks me out] and gives us bigger pieces of the dessert rosa. after that erin and i went to the football game and chilled there. josh gave me a ride home which was nice because i haven't talked to him in a while. not since that night when he messed up his ankle. i miss josh.

i miss ryan too. oh yeah. lemme tell ya, on wednesday i told him that i like him. and now i'm worried because i haven't really spoken to him since then. i'm pretty sure i messed up our friendship. and i wish i hadn't told him. i wish i hadn't felt anything at all.

reg- i don't know if you started to assume when i never got back to you but i can't go to homecoming with you. i can't even go to my own homecoming as my punishment for not going to class on thursday and a week ago. i'm sorry. .. i'm sorry for everything.

a days - first semester

1. contare, williams s147
2. chem, mazingo e209
3. world lit, hutchinson w338
4. off

b days - first semester

1. weight training, bond n175
2. psychology, nelsen s370
3. world history, whittet w339
4. honors spanish four, cash w275

a days - second semester

1. contare, williams s147
2. chem, mazingo e209
3. world lit, hutchinson w338
4. off? wtf?

b days - second semester

1. off
2. parenting/child development e124
3. world history, whittet w339
4. honors spanish four, cash. w275

why the _fuck_ do i have these stupid ass fucking moodswings?

i hate that i put people through this shit.

-twitch- go fucking die adriana, kthx.

and here i am again..
at home.

weekends are weird.

hi.
my name is adriana.
i no longer have a true home.
i'm not sure how i feel about this.
i have enough clothes for two days.
i've been gone since yesterday.
i don't know if i'm allowed to go back to the house and get my things.
and that is all.

( ..practicing.. )

tonight: 118.

.. meh.

this morning: 116.

uhm.
..
a bottle of coke.. three gobstoppers (two yellow ones and a red one Oo;) and in a little bit i'll have a piece of lasagna..

[edit]: okay.. i had two pieces.

yesterday.. 121
today.. 117

is that even fucking possible?

i had a coke in the morning during driver's ed and a number one from wendy's for dinner (with a coke)

.. -bangs face on desk-

Maybe it's me. I feel like I'm losing something. I feel like I've already lost something and I can't figure it out yet. I don't want to be holed up in this house anymore.

both of my parents have been working the last couple nights, which isn't particularly bad, but it isn't very good either. i've been seeing things again. it's not fun.

.. i'll get back to this later.